Getting It All Out In the Open & Helping Each Other Grow

If there is one thing that I have learned about marriage, it is the importance of keeping the lines of communication open. Many times, we harbour thoughts and feelings about our spouse regarding something that they have said or done, and instead of communciating those things, we let them collect in our inner record player. We replay those things over and over again, and when our spouse does or says something similar to those things we have "recorded," that record player is triggered again. We often let this go on and on until the recording is full and we are completely resentful and ready to explode. This is a really dangerous problem. You see, your spouse has no idea what you are thinking and feeling unless you express it.

Building resentment does nothing to improve your marriage; in fact, it tears away at your marriage and eats away at you as well. Holding on to those "recordings" is one sure fire way to make you unhappy with your spouse, unhappy with your marriage, and unhappy with your life. I know this all to well! I am one who tends to bottle it all up inside. There are many reasons why we do this. Some of us are fond of holding onto a grudge and can not let go of the wrongs done to us. Some of us hold on to these things in order to justify our own failings and make ourselves feel beter, and some of us can not stand confrontation and hold on in order to keep the "peace." Whatever the case, this is completely unhealthy.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:5, that love holds no record of wrongs. So, how do we let go of those records that we have been keeping? I believe that the best way to do this is to communicate with your spouse openly and honestly, telling them in a calm and loving way, all of the ways that you have been hurt. Many times, our spouses are surprised by this, because they had genuinely no idea that some of the things that they said or did effected us in such a way. When we openly communicate those hurts, not only do we gain the relief of unburdening ourselves of pain and resentement, but our spouses also gain a valueable perspective on their attitudes and actions that can help them to change and grow to become the spouse that we need and the person that God wants them to be. This is how we build one another up and help each other grow. As Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) says:

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

This week has been a week of  "sharpening" for myself and my husband. We have learned alot and really strengthened our marriage. Honestly, there were a few times this week that we did not handle ourselves very well in the way that we expressed our frustrations and hurts, but we came through it and were able to learn a more effective way of communicating and sharing our feelings with one another. I want to share with you a few verses that don't neccessarily pertain to marriage directly, but provide us with instructions as to how we are to handle ourselves when we are communicating feelings to one another.

Ephesians 4: 15-16, 22-26, 29-32 (NIV)

¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  ²⁵ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold.

²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Hebrews 12: 14-15 (GWT)

¹⁴Try to live peacefully with everyone, and try to live holy lives, because if you don’t, you will not see the Lord. ¹⁵Make sure that everyone has kindness from God so that bitterness doesn’t take root and grow up to cause trouble that corrupts many of you.

Romans 14:   (AMP)

  ¹³Then let us no more criticize and blame and pass judgment on one another, but rather decide and endeavor never to put a stumbling block or an obstacle or a hindrance in the way of a brother.

¹⁹So let us then definitely aim for and eagerly pursue what makes for harmony and for mutual upbuilding (edification and development) of one another.

So, what have I learned this week, from the my experiences and from the scriptures?

I have learned:

NOT TO KEEP RECORD OF WRONGS
NOT TO CRITICIZE
NOT TO HOLD ON TO FEELINGS OF HURT
NOT TO ACCEPT  THE FALSE PEACE THAT COMES FROM AVOIDING CONFRONTATION
NOT TO AVOID CONVERSATION
NOT TO LET BITTERNESS TAKE ROOT
TO GET EVERYTHING OUT IN THE OPEN
TO SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE
TO SEEK PEACE AND HARMONY
TO LET THE LORD MAKE ME NEW IN MIND AND ATTITUDE
TO SPEAK WORDS THAT ENCOURAGE AND BUILD UP
TO RESOLVE FEELINGS OF HURT AND ANGER QUICKLY
TO LET THE LORD'S KINDNESS RULE AND REIGN
TO FORGIVE

Those are powerful and important lessons to learn in marriage and in all of our relationships! I hope that they stick with us and I hope that they stick with you as well!

Let the wonderful kindness and the understanding that come from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ help you to keep on growing. Praise Jesus now and forever! Amen.

^{2 Peter 3:18 (CEV)}